girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
