What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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