I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
