I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
