i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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