fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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