I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
