if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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