On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My cat gives me a boner
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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