I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
