Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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