Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
My sheets look like a crime scene.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
