made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
