I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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