from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
