Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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