I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
