I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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