When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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