Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
