What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
