My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
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