True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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