i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
