How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
