you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
