Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
