omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
