I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
