that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
