Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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