college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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