things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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