Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
