my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
foreskin is a definite game changer
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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