Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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