yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
