just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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