well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
