My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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