just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
