Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
