I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
