i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
