I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
