your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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