I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
