We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
