drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
