I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
