also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
