He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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