I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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