I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
