So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
