Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
