My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
