don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
